I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep the other night. I usually save my sobbing for the shower where I am surrounded by millions of drops of water so that my tears do not feel quite so out of place – in some strange way it is like the shower cries with me – or as many, or as overwhelming. Sobbing in the shower is better than sobbing in bed because it doesn’t matter if your cheeks and hair get soppy and wet in the shower whereas a soggy pillow is not much fun. The pummeling water, as well as being therapeutic, also drowns out any desperate gasps or sighs and thus shelters other house dwellers from the discomfort of being confronted with unrestrained emotion. Sobbing in bed is reserved for moments of desperation, exhaustion or times in which you are simply overwhelmed.

I am not sure which of these situations it was that brought me to be sobbing in my bed instead of the shower, probably exhaustion or maybe a mixture of all three, but there I was, sobbing against my better judgement when I should have been sleeping blissfully.

Lately I feel like all my hard work at uni, getting trained to teach so I could be a good mum to my children and be available to look after them and earn money to support them on my own while doing something that I love to do, has been a stupid waste of time. I don’t have any more time for my children now than when I was at uni. In fact I have less. I do have more money which allows me to send my boys to a private school where the teachers have the same vision for education and life that I have and want to pass onto my children, but I don’t think I care about the money right now. It is important to send my children to a good christian school but I miss them when I am working all the time to do it. I miss them. I don’t know if teaching is actually what I like to do either. It’s a lot of hard work, hours and hours of preparation, marking – especially in English – and coaching that just takes me away from my little ones.

I miss being at home with my boys.

When I married all I wanted to do was be a wife who served her husband through doing all those mundane things women are expected to do but are meant to hate. I didn’t hate it. I loved it. I was married to a violent barstool and still loved it. I loved the cooking, the cleaning, the washing, the shopping – well not so much the shopping- the mothering. I loved it. I loved my family.

I am angry at my ex. I’m angry because he stupidly wasted what was meant to be good. I am angry because now I feel like I have to be a mother I never wanted to be: a working mum who spends more time away from her children than with them. A mum who is busy working even when she’s at home. A mum who feels guilty skipping on class prep to play with a Thomas the Tank Engine train set, or watch a dinosaur movie, or look at a cool butterfly emerging from a cocoon. How did I become this mother I never wanted to be?

I was feeling all sullen and woeful on Sunday when I stumbled across CoffeeSwirls, a brilliant-every-word-is-gold kinda blog that I hadn’t read for some time. And this is some of what Doug had to say there:

“Have you ever felt that your life was getting out of control?…How you you view the trials of life? Do you gnash your teeth at them and strive even harder to overcome them [I was gnashing and striving!] or do you thank God for His work in your life, bending your stubborn will to Him? When you pray do you ask God to lift these trials or do you ask for the grace to look beyond this vapor that we call life and look to the joy that God has set before you? God is our reward.”

and I was reminded that what I really have to do is enjoy what I do have. Re-prioritise. Give God and my boys more time and keep on because, for whatever reason, this is God’s plan for me. Sigh.

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12 Responses to “”

  1. Ellen Says:

    I sigh for you and am praying that God will wrap his arms around you today and that you would feel His love in a fresh way and be refreshed.
    Blessings,
    Ellen B.

  2. Paul Says:

    xox

  3. candyinsierras Says:

    I have taught and agree that teaching is such hard work! Thank goodness for summers off! Is your year the same as ours? Because if it is, you have hit the wall and the last part of the race to the finish. Spring is the stretch and teachers are worn out and it seems like forever until vacation. The good news is that it gets easier eventually because you become used to the curriculum, unless (like me) you get assigned to new classes the next year and have to do just as much work to prepare.

    I pray for grace and mercy as you persevere in this season. My heart really goes out in care towards you. It won’t always be like this as you are well aware. God will give you times of refreshing and strength to endure. I pray you be comforted.

  4. John Dekker Says:

    Yes, it does get easier as time goes on.

    Make sure you get some decent rest over Easter.

    Praying for you…

  5. kim from hiraeth Says:

    I’m praying along with Candy.

  6. Rebecca Says:

    My mom was a teacher all through my childhood (from the time I was 6 months old!) AND she was working on her BA at the same time – and I still felt well and totally loved by her. Your children will know that you love them, too.

  7. Kim in Says:

    I’m home with my kids all the time, and I still have moments when I feel like I am not doing what I should. It seems to be the burden of motherhood.

    Hugs to you. Hang in there.

    Praying for you.

  8. Radagast Says:

    May God give you the grace and strength to live your life with joy.

    God bless.

  9. missmellifluous Says:

    Thanks for prayers and encouragement from all of you. I so appreciate it.

    Candy, we do have a big summer break, like you guys in the Northern Hemisphere only our summer is of course at a different time to you, so, our holiday has gone. We’re 7 weeks into a 9 week term. Two weeks to go till I get two weeks holidays. Next week I am going on camp with school – we have no choice- so I won’t see my boys for four days. I think the thought of this is making me sadder. I have never been away from them for this long before. Except for when they have a rare overnight stay at their uncle’s, I’ve never been away from them at all.

    Teaching is full on. Especially in English and Studies of Religion. I have heard that it gets easier. I’ll keep on. Thanks for your prayers.

    Thanks for your encouraging words, Beck. I so want my boys to know I love them. I don’t want them to think work is more important -EVER! Because it’s not. Your words give me hope.

    Radagast, I am so glad you figured out the commenting thing! Thank you because your words were a great reminder to me to enjoy what I have got. You’re so right. Thanks for a gentle encouragement to remember to be joyful for all I have because really, I do have so much! Your words were wise and spoke a gentle rebuke to my heart. Thank you!

  10. momrn2 Says:

    Oh I can so relate to some of what you speak of here. I, too, am a working mom who hates not having that time to spend with my family. Although I have a wonderful husband, I hate that I don’t get as much time with him either. I hate that all those “mom” and “wife” things I can’t do as well as I like because there is only time to just get it done… but not always well.

    Yes, I can relate to the moments of tears in frustration and exhaustion. Praying for you that it continues to resolve and you sense God’s mercy, grace and strength in a new and fresh way… even today!

  11. rebecca Says:

    Oh! I don’t know how I missed this!

    Would it help if I affirmed what you’ve already said, that the first year is always the hardest? If I told you that no matter what your situation, you’d probably find it really difficult? There is so much more prep the first time round, and so much to learn, too!

    And then, of course, you’ve got more other stuff on your plate than most.

  12. missmellifluous Says:

    I am so glad to know that someone else cries over this too, momrn2! I felt a little silly for a while but knowing you’re there too sometimes makes me feel much better. As does sleep and time watching my little ones jump on the trampoline. Children are precious.

    Rebecca, Thank you for your words of encouragement too! They do help. I really appreciate you taking the time to say it again. Thanks!

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